The (not so) Secret Life of a Cat Lady

On January 1st of this year I made up my mind to go to Brigham Young University.  I told Dad "I think I want to try for BYU." He said if that is what I want then I should go for it.  He and Mom would support me and should I get accepted, would move with me back to Utah so that I could attend.

In exactly one week I begin classes at BYU. In exactly 6 days it will be three weeks since my father passed away. I received my acceptance notice around the middle of March and through shaking hands and teary eyes handed it to my mother to read while my father sat across the room.  His belief in me and my desire to better myself through education remained his focus during our conversations throughout the last few months I spent with him.

Although I don't need to, over the last two summers I have enrolled in summer courses through the college I attended in New Mexico.  This summer my reason was three-fold. 1. I like the challenge and I hate feeling idle. 2. I needed something to occupy the quiet moments when I knew the reality of Daddy's situation would slam against my chest and tear me apart. And 3. I needed something new to talk with Dad about once the ball games became too difficult to watch even from television.  I was successful in never feeling idle because my classes were online and such courses always seem more rigorous when 16 weeks of lessons are shoved into 6-8 weeks.  As for those moments where I felt as though I might drown in sorrow and sadness, not even Philosophy or Creative Writing could stave the late night/early morning meltdowns.  However, it was not until closer to the end that I allowed any of those moments to show to my father.  Our conversations up to the last 2 weeks of his life remained as ever, jovial and enduring.  It was not until the Tuesday before he passed that I gave him one inkling of how completely exhausted I was.

He was being fed through a "g'' tube in his stomach and had been since the end of June.  Mom and I took turns helping him to get food because his own extreme exhaustion. I generally took my time feeding him so that the drink would not bounce in his stomach causing either hiccups, nausea, vomiting or all of those.  Now either he was being impatient or I really had gone into that little place people go when they lose track of time but near the end of the syringe-full  I'm feeding him, suddenly I hear him ask me, " Are you really that tired?"

"I don't sleep much anymore, Daddy"

"Well that's not going to help you in school.  You need to get your rest so you can do good in school. You worked really hard to go to BYU, you need to start getting some sleep."

Then he told me, "It's going to be all right, I'm going to be all right. We are all going to be okay."

I know I had to leave the room for a few moments to compose myself but I eventually found my way back to him.  I asked him is biggest worry that he is leaving behind and he said "Your Mother". I got a smile out of him later that day and was even lucky enough to get a swift kick in the pants as I left the room to fetch him some ice water. Just a few weeks earlier to those last days our family was lucky enough to spend Pioneer Day with Dad at the rehab center he was admitted to in SLC.  I told him then "Thank You for being my dad."

He said, "Thank you for being my daughter."

When I made the decision to go to BYU it was with a number of things in mind.  First, I want to get an education in an environment that I feel will further enhance my desire to learn.  Second, I want to be closer to my brother and sister and their families. Third, I could take Dad to games! Fourth, I was letting go of all the issues that have in the past kept me from fulfulling all that I have desired to do.  While there are many many reasons I made the choice to apply to BYU, I feel that the most important reason is family.

I promised Dad on that Tuesday I will do good in BYU. I'll study and work really hard to get the grades I want.  It's been a rough couple of weeks since Daddy died.  I have bounced between peace of mind to guilt and anxiety.  The past issues that have often plagued my progress have been attempting to rise again and I refuse to let them defeat me.  I know I said I love you enough, I know he's proud of me.

How could I not know it, when he is leaving this earthly world he shares with me that it is HE who is learning something knew this time....

He will die.  As of Saturday the 30th of July we've brought him home to be with his family.  The doctors have given him 4-6 weeks from this time as the cancer that originally was found in his jaw has now spread to his lungs and spine. For now the pain is managed and the affairs are being placed into order. 

My body aches, my heart is breaking and I don't sleep at night. My eternal perspective permits me to understand where he is going is where he is needed now.  I know that he will be better; I know that I will be ok.  Neverthless, the best friend who tolerates my incorrigable behavior and endless questions about things he doesn't have answers for won't be there to take me with him to town.  He won't be there to watch John Wayne or James Bond or Jason Bourne with.  I won't see his face and watch his eyes fill with tears when I graduate from BYU or finally meet and marry my own eternal companion. He won't be there! He won't be here!

Spirtually, yes.  I know I will feel his spirit with me every step of the way.  The Lord has promised me this and I do not doubt this to be a promise kept. Many nights have passed that have been filled with tears. Every bout ends quietly when I ask the Lord to take these burdens of sorrow from me.  He knows, as do I, that there will be many more nights of tears and sadness, anger and confusion. I pray that I will always have the strength to seek His mercy so that I may make it through this trying time.

This coming Saturday those in our family able to plan to attend the temple together.  Daddy feels that it may not be too much longer after that the Lord will call him to Him to his new position in the Celestial Kingdom.  I honestly don't know how it will be once he is gone.  I don't how I will be.  Will it be hopeless and will I shut down even though I am completely aware of the nature of our eternal blessings that await us? Or will this trip to the temple reassure me to such a degree that I will be rejuvenated and find the strength to endure this loss so that I may continue on with my dreams and goals as Daddy wants me to do. I pray for the latter for I have no room in my life for depression or misery.  I want to be happy.  I want to succeed and be strong.  I want to be with my Daddy again.