The (not so) Secret Life of a Cat Lady

The months go by.  I will probably count them for a while as they continue to get further and further away from August. I'm exhausted and sometimes very confused.  I've spent so much time in prayer and conversations with the Lord I feel like we've been to lunch each day. I've shed a lot of tears lately.  I've been trying desperately to keep my head above water and not drown in the creeping depression that has slowly made its way into my life in the last 6 weeks or so.  I finally decided to get help and have been medicated with Cymbalta for 4 days now.  I can honestly say I am beginning to feel like I am coming out of this fog and making some improvement.

The score was ultimately 27-13 in Nevada's favor thanks to some crappy calls by the WAC refs but my very first in-stadium BYU home game was incredible! Being disabled, I took my electric wheelchair with me so I could avoid having to climb too many stairs.  I didn't know we would end up seven stairs away from the side of the field! The only problem (besides the refs), we sat on the side with the National Guard's cannon...

On January 1st of this year I made up my mind to go to Brigham Young University.  I told Dad "I think I want to try for BYU." He said if that is what I want then I should go for it.  He and Mom would support me and should I get accepted, would move with me back to Utah so that I could attend.

In exactly one week I begin classes at BYU. In exactly 6 days it will be three weeks since my father passed away. I received my acceptance notice around the middle of March and through shaking hands and teary eyes handed it to my mother to read while my father sat across the room.  His belief in me and my desire to better myself through education remained his focus during our conversations throughout the last few months I spent with him.

Although I don't need to, over the last two summers I have enrolled in summer courses through the college I attended in New Mexico.  This summer my reason was three-fold. 1. I like the challenge and I hate feeling idle. 2. I needed something to occupy the quiet moments when I knew the reality of Daddy's situation would slam against my chest and tear me apart. And 3. I needed something new to talk with Dad about once the ball games became too difficult to watch even from television.  I was successful in never feeling idle because my classes were online and such courses always seem more rigorous when 16 weeks of lessons are shoved into 6-8 weeks.  As for those moments where I felt as though I might drown in sorrow and sadness, not even Philosophy or Creative Writing could stave the late night/early morning meltdowns.  However, it was not until closer to the end that I allowed any of those moments to show to my father.  Our conversations up to the last 2 weeks of his life remained as ever, jovial and enduring.  It was not until the Tuesday before he passed that I gave him one inkling of how completely exhausted I was.

He was being fed through a "g'' tube in his stomach and had been since the end of June.  Mom and I took turns helping him to get food because his own extreme exhaustion. I generally took my time feeding him so that the drink would not bounce in his stomach causing either hiccups, nausea, vomiting or all of those.  Now either he was being impatient or I really had gone into that little place people go when they lose track of time but near the end of the syringe-full  I'm feeding him, suddenly I hear him ask me, " Are you really that tired?"

"I don't sleep much anymore, Daddy"

"Well that's not going to help you in school.  You need to get your rest so you can do good in school. You worked really hard to go to BYU, you need to start getting some sleep."

Then he told me, "It's going to be all right, I'm going to be all right. We are all going to be okay."

I know I had to leave the room for a few moments to compose myself but I eventually found my way back to him.  I asked him is biggest worry that he is leaving behind and he said "Your Mother". I got a smile out of him later that day and was even lucky enough to get a swift kick in the pants as I left the room to fetch him some ice water. Just a few weeks earlier to those last days our family was lucky enough to spend Pioneer Day with Dad at the rehab center he was admitted to in SLC.  I told him then "Thank You for being my dad."

He said, "Thank you for being my daughter."

When I made the decision to go to BYU it was with a number of things in mind.  First, I want to get an education in an environment that I feel will further enhance my desire to learn.  Second, I want to be closer to my brother and sister and their families. Third, I could take Dad to games! Fourth, I was letting go of all the issues that have in the past kept me from fulfulling all that I have desired to do.  While there are many many reasons I made the choice to apply to BYU, I feel that the most important reason is family.

I promised Dad on that Tuesday I will do good in BYU. I'll study and work really hard to get the grades I want.  It's been a rough couple of weeks since Daddy died.  I have bounced between peace of mind to guilt and anxiety.  The past issues that have often plagued my progress have been attempting to rise again and I refuse to let them defeat me.  I know I said I love you enough, I know he's proud of me.

How could I not know it, when he is leaving this earthly world he shares with me that it is HE who is learning something knew this time....

Maddie & Grandpa - January 2010

He will die.  As of Saturday the 30th of July we've brought him home to be with his family.  The doctors have given him 4-6 weeks from this time as the cancer that originally was found in his jaw has now spread to his lungs and spine. For now the pain is managed and the affairs are being placed into order. 

My body aches, my heart is breaking and I don't sleep at night. My eternal perspective permits me to understand where he is going is where he is needed now.  I know that he will be better; I know that I will be ok.  Neverthless, the best friend who tolerates my incorrigable behavior and endless questions about things he doesn't have answers for won't be there to take me with him to town.  He won't be there to watch John Wayne or James Bond or Jason Bourne with.  I won't see his face and watch his eyes fill with tears when I graduate from BYU or finally meet and marry my own eternal companion. He won't be there! He won't be here!

Spirtually, yes.  I know I will feel his spirit with me every step of the way.  The Lord has promised me this and I do not doubt this to be a promise kept. Many nights have passed that have been filled with tears. Every bout ends quietly when I ask the Lord to take these burdens of sorrow from me.  He knows, as do I, that there will be many more nights of tears and sadness, anger and confusion. I pray that I will always have the strength to seek His mercy so that I may make it through this trying time.

This coming Saturday those in our family able to plan to attend the temple together.  Daddy feels that it may not be too much longer after that the Lord will call him to Him to his new position in the Celestial Kingdom.  I honestly don't know how it will be once he is gone.  I don't how I will be.  Will it be hopeless and will I shut down even though I am completely aware of the nature of our eternal blessings that await us? Or will this trip to the temple reassure me to such a degree that I will be rejuvenated and find the strength to endure this loss so that I may continue on with my dreams and goals as Daddy wants me to do. I pray for the latter for I have no room in my life for depression or misery.  I want to be happy.  I want to succeed and be strong.  I want to be with my Daddy again.

      Alrighty!  I'm in Utah. I'm a prospective student of Brigham Young University. Classes start Aug. 30. Have my own place (sharing with my cousin)....And Dad has cancer.

      March marked an interesting time in our lives.  I applied and got accepted to BYU as I was hoping I would.  Classes were going great. I played catch-up after a serious bout with dehyration that put me in the hospital for a week. Then somewhere around the second week in to the month, Dad had oral surgery.  A biopsy was taken and the results came two weeks later.  Spindle Cell Squamous Carcinoma.  Since his surgery the cancer has progressed so quickly that all of his teeth have been removed, his upper palate has been reconstructed where the first tumor was taken from and as of last Monday (June 28th) has started 5-6 weeks of intensive chemotherapy and radiation. 
     It's rough; he can only eat liquids or super smooshy foods.  His main nutrition is currently from a feeding tube placed in his stomach nearly a month ago.  Mom is his sole provider but I spend more than half of my time helping them out. Feedings, changing dressings, and running errands with my sister or cousin is how I spend alot of my time.  When I can I take in lazy days and chill watching Boomerang or Nicktoons.
       I don't mind even a little bit.  I just want Mom to be at ease about somethings and Dad to know we're taking care of things that he can't. I'm enrolled in 2 summer classes online at San Juan College in New Mexico, the school I am leaving for BYU.  Creative writing & Philosophy; two classes I wanted to take but kept putting aside for others.  So far, these two classes have been the best experience of my college writing career!  I know, you don't have to say it....Sooo young!  Sooo much more to experience! 

     Seriously though, I have had the best time learning philosophy; I totally had this subject wrong!  It makes sense not eing able to make sense of everything! Creative writing has challenged my writing in ways I haven't been challenged in over seven years.  I wish I could write like this in all my classes!  Although, I think the science teachers would frown upon that idea. 
     But I digress...The poem following this post is written for an assignment from last week.  Inspired by our family's current condition, I needed to write it.  Hope you all like it, I'll need to write more of those as the months go by.

Stepping in


Stepping up and coming down
Life throws punches round by round
Wandering thoughts lay awake at night
Times to come are worth the fight

Cautiously, we rise to stand before this
Rolls reversed, now in his stead
We do not know from depth to summit
Nor breadth of stormy seas ahead

Heroic, silent, valiant warrior
Father, brother, someone’s son
Grateful for our time together
We will fight until this battle is won.

DLM

   I suppose it's a mixture of busy-ness and laziness that has kept me from posting more than I should have.  Busy working towards the finalé of the semester, busy preparing the holiday goodies and entertaining family at holiday parties.  Busy with doctor appointments and medical tests in preparation for the bariatric surgery.  Busy making decisions about my educational goals.  All of these can make a girl feel lazy in her down time and when I did have those moments I spent them with family...or reading...or watching Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.  Just the same, I have had many changes come about and should have been taking the time to document them here since I have never been good at keeping a personal journal.  That being said, here are some of those changes...in no particular order:

   After nearly 5 years of living in various other places, I have made a prayerful decision to return to Utah.  I desire to further enhance my education by attending Brigham Young University.  As of today I have submitted most of my application, minus the fee and ecclesiatical endorsement. If all goes well and if I am admitted, I will begin attendance as early as August of this year. My family is very supportive and my parents are willing to do whatever they can to help me to achieve my goals.  As for my reasons for wanting to attend BYU, 1- it's a good school, both academically and morally. 2- it's closer to my brother and sister and I am tired of missing them because I cannot take vacation time but during the summer months. 3- it's time, time for me to let go of memories that could forever limit me from my eternal glories and blessings and time for me to achieve all that I have the potential to achieve.  And finally, I am missing the moments in my nephews and nieces lives that are forever going to remind of the miracle of God's children and I am tired of it!  My aunts have been there all my life and have offered a point of view seperate from my parents and I hope to be able to be that kind of friend to my nieces and nephews.

   As a back-up plan I have no problem attending Utah Valley University until BYU is willing to accept my application, should they deny me for the next semester...but I am aiming high and remaining confident that BYU is where the Lord wants me to be.

   I am still working as I can to have bariatric surgery before the year is through.  Where I initially wanted to have it here in Colorado at Fort Collins, I have decided to go to my mother's surgeon in Utah instead and will begin making those arrangements as soon as I hear from BYU.  On that note, Mom is down nearly 60 lbs since October!! She seems to be melting away with each week that goes by.  Dad and I do our best to support her and are there to rub her back on the days when her tiny tummy protests.  While I have to do at least 6 months of prepartory doctor/nutritionist/weightloss attempts and various other things, I know it won't be long before I too am eating an ounce here and an ounce there and melting away along side of her. 

   The Spring semester begins on Monday.  I finished the Fall with a 3.27 GPA, not my best and certainly not what I wanted but I am not going to complain.  I came down with the Swine flu in Sept/Oct and missed more than too much class and my Math suffered greatly.  I eeked out a C as a final grade and I don't have to take it again.  Still, I have done well enough over the previous 2 semesters that I was a bit disappointed with myself. I have set a goal for this semester to get A's in all four classes.  I'll be taking another Geology, English, Math, and Anthropology class; all but the English with teachers I have had before. I feel pretty confident that I can achieve the A's if I don't let myself get too far behind in anything assigned.  That was part of the downfall in Math, following the Swine flu days, I couldn't catch up. Even though neither that class, the previous Math class nor the one I am taking this Spring can transfer with me, I hate feeling lost, especially when it comes to my most difficult subject.

  On a final note, I most excited about attending BYU because of the emphasis on Christ and Heavenly Father that is required for a degree.  I can't remember my seminary classes, apart from a few moments of inspiring testimonies and memorable faces of people who impressed me.  I can hardly wait to spend my educational time at the foot of the Master once again.  I have struggled over the last year to attend meetings on Sunday morning and because of poor self image have denied myself the opportunities to learn of Him and His Son.  I do have an inconquerable testimony of the Lord and the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  My faith in His gospel will never waiver. Still, Satan sees a weakness and pounces on it and like in times before I have allowed him to influence how I feel about myself.  I know that my beauty and gifts go far beyond the physical, I forget this when I forget to see myself the way Heavenly Father sees me.  I choose from this day forward to strive always to see myself as He does and to appreciate my beauty the way that he would want me too.  Who knows what will come of this vow. I would venture a guess: more than I can imagine.