The (not so) Secret Life of a Cat Lady

Saving Face

Stand at the face of infinity,

and see me.

Read from the books of reality,

and hear me.

Take heed in word I will sing to you,

then feel me.

Find fact through the eyes of integrity,

then teach me.

Close doors on forgotten memories,

to need me.

Speak silence in words of true honesty,

to have me.

DLM




Words will Manifest


Blood and life in the tips of my fingers
click, click on the small padded squares.
constant pressing matters of the brain
calling to the conscious
from the subconscious.

They live in me and my body trembles as
they fall from the world within my limbs and flesh.
a day without words manifested is like a day without
a stranger in ones life.
Unusual to me.

I am not unlike the bear.
I am living on the white lace and satin.
Manifested in the words of my flesh
Blood and life
Blood and Breath
They live in me and I simply offer them to you.

And they make me beautiful.

DLM

He will die.  As of Saturday the 30th of July we've brought him home to be with his family.  The doctors have given him 4-6 weeks from this time as the cancer that originally was found in his jaw has now spread to his lungs and spine. For now the pain is managed and the affairs are being placed into order. 

My body aches, my heart is breaking and I don't sleep at night. My eternal perspective permits me to understand where he is going is where he is needed now.  I know that he will be better; I know that I will be ok.  Neverthless, the best friend who tolerates my incorrigable behavior and endless questions about things he doesn't have answers for won't be there to take me with him to town.  He won't be there to watch John Wayne or James Bond or Jason Bourne with.  I won't see his face and watch his eyes fill with tears when I graduate from BYU or finally meet and marry my own eternal companion. He won't be there! He won't be here!

Spirtually, yes.  I know I will feel his spirit with me every step of the way.  The Lord has promised me this and I do not doubt this to be a promise kept. Many nights have passed that have been filled with tears. Every bout ends quietly when I ask the Lord to take these burdens of sorrow from me.  He knows, as do I, that there will be many more nights of tears and sadness, anger and confusion. I pray that I will always have the strength to seek His mercy so that I may make it through this trying time.

This coming Saturday those in our family able to plan to attend the temple together.  Daddy feels that it may not be too much longer after that the Lord will call him to Him to his new position in the Celestial Kingdom.  I honestly don't know how it will be once he is gone.  I don't how I will be.  Will it be hopeless and will I shut down even though I am completely aware of the nature of our eternal blessings that await us? Or will this trip to the temple reassure me to such a degree that I will be rejuvenated and find the strength to endure this loss so that I may continue on with my dreams and goals as Daddy wants me to do. I pray for the latter for I have no room in my life for depression or misery.  I want to be happy.  I want to succeed and be strong.  I want to be with my Daddy again.

      Alrighty!  I'm in Utah. I'm a prospective student of Brigham Young University. Classes start Aug. 30. Have my own place (sharing with my cousin)....And Dad has cancer.

      March marked an interesting time in our lives.  I applied and got accepted to BYU as I was hoping I would.  Classes were going great. I played catch-up after a serious bout with dehyration that put me in the hospital for a week. Then somewhere around the second week in to the month, Dad had oral surgery.  A biopsy was taken and the results came two weeks later.  Spindle Cell Squamous Carcinoma.  Since his surgery the cancer has progressed so quickly that all of his teeth have been removed, his upper palate has been reconstructed where the first tumor was taken from and as of last Monday (June 28th) has started 5-6 weeks of intensive chemotherapy and radiation. 
     It's rough; he can only eat liquids or super smooshy foods.  His main nutrition is currently from a feeding tube placed in his stomach nearly a month ago.  Mom is his sole provider but I spend more than half of my time helping them out. Feedings, changing dressings, and running errands with my sister or cousin is how I spend alot of my time.  When I can I take in lazy days and chill watching Boomerang or Nicktoons.
       I don't mind even a little bit.  I just want Mom to be at ease about somethings and Dad to know we're taking care of things that he can't. I'm enrolled in 2 summer classes online at San Juan College in New Mexico, the school I am leaving for BYU.  Creative writing & Philosophy; two classes I wanted to take but kept putting aside for others.  So far, these two classes have been the best experience of my college writing career!  I know, you don't have to say it....Sooo young!  Sooo much more to experience! 

     Seriously though, I have had the best time learning philosophy; I totally had this subject wrong!  It makes sense not eing able to make sense of everything! Creative writing has challenged my writing in ways I haven't been challenged in over seven years.  I wish I could write like this in all my classes!  Although, I think the science teachers would frown upon that idea. 
     But I digress...The poem following this post is written for an assignment from last week.  Inspired by our family's current condition, I needed to write it.  Hope you all like it, I'll need to write more of those as the months go by.