The (not so) Secret Life of a Cat Lady

   I suppose it's a mixture of busy-ness and laziness that has kept me from posting more than I should have.  Busy working towards the finalé of the semester, busy preparing the holiday goodies and entertaining family at holiday parties.  Busy with doctor appointments and medical tests in preparation for the bariatric surgery.  Busy making decisions about my educational goals.  All of these can make a girl feel lazy in her down time and when I did have those moments I spent them with family...or reading...or watching Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.  Just the same, I have had many changes come about and should have been taking the time to document them here since I have never been good at keeping a personal journal.  That being said, here are some of those changes...in no particular order:

   After nearly 5 years of living in various other places, I have made a prayerful decision to return to Utah.  I desire to further enhance my education by attending Brigham Young University.  As of today I have submitted most of my application, minus the fee and ecclesiatical endorsement. If all goes well and if I am admitted, I will begin attendance as early as August of this year. My family is very supportive and my parents are willing to do whatever they can to help me to achieve my goals.  As for my reasons for wanting to attend BYU, 1- it's a good school, both academically and morally. 2- it's closer to my brother and sister and I am tired of missing them because I cannot take vacation time but during the summer months. 3- it's time, time for me to let go of memories that could forever limit me from my eternal glories and blessings and time for me to achieve all that I have the potential to achieve.  And finally, I am missing the moments in my nephews and nieces lives that are forever going to remind of the miracle of God's children and I am tired of it!  My aunts have been there all my life and have offered a point of view seperate from my parents and I hope to be able to be that kind of friend to my nieces and nephews.

   As a back-up plan I have no problem attending Utah Valley University until BYU is willing to accept my application, should they deny me for the next semester...but I am aiming high and remaining confident that BYU is where the Lord wants me to be.

   I am still working as I can to have bariatric surgery before the year is through.  Where I initially wanted to have it here in Colorado at Fort Collins, I have decided to go to my mother's surgeon in Utah instead and will begin making those arrangements as soon as I hear from BYU.  On that note, Mom is down nearly 60 lbs since October!! She seems to be melting away with each week that goes by.  Dad and I do our best to support her and are there to rub her back on the days when her tiny tummy protests.  While I have to do at least 6 months of prepartory doctor/nutritionist/weightloss attempts and various other things, I know it won't be long before I too am eating an ounce here and an ounce there and melting away along side of her. 

   The Spring semester begins on Monday.  I finished the Fall with a 3.27 GPA, not my best and certainly not what I wanted but I am not going to complain.  I came down with the Swine flu in Sept/Oct and missed more than too much class and my Math suffered greatly.  I eeked out a C as a final grade and I don't have to take it again.  Still, I have done well enough over the previous 2 semesters that I was a bit disappointed with myself. I have set a goal for this semester to get A's in all four classes.  I'll be taking another Geology, English, Math, and Anthropology class; all but the English with teachers I have had before. I feel pretty confident that I can achieve the A's if I don't let myself get too far behind in anything assigned.  That was part of the downfall in Math, following the Swine flu days, I couldn't catch up. Even though neither that class, the previous Math class nor the one I am taking this Spring can transfer with me, I hate feeling lost, especially when it comes to my most difficult subject.

  On a final note, I most excited about attending BYU because of the emphasis on Christ and Heavenly Father that is required for a degree.  I can't remember my seminary classes, apart from a few moments of inspiring testimonies and memorable faces of people who impressed me.  I can hardly wait to spend my educational time at the foot of the Master once again.  I have struggled over the last year to attend meetings on Sunday morning and because of poor self image have denied myself the opportunities to learn of Him and His Son.  I do have an inconquerable testimony of the Lord and the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  My faith in His gospel will never waiver. Still, Satan sees a weakness and pounces on it and like in times before I have allowed him to influence how I feel about myself.  I know that my beauty and gifts go far beyond the physical, I forget this when I forget to see myself the way Heavenly Father sees me.  I choose from this day forward to strive always to see myself as He does and to appreciate my beauty the way that he would want me too.  Who knows what will come of this vow. I would venture a guess: more than I can imagine.

I've done it!  I've started counting calories and quit the Dr. Pepper.  EEEK!! I'm doing it and there is nothing anyone can say to stop me.  I have made the decision to have gastric bypass in the spring and I have to begin now preparing for the surgery.  I don't mind at all, in fact I'm probably the most excited I have been since Harry Potter 7 came out!  My health has been iffy for years and though I am not ill because of being overweight as much as I am overweight because of being ill, I struggle daily with aches and pains I know will likely go away once I have this surgery.  The only thing I am stirring over is what will my head look like on a thinner me!?  I haven't been thin enough as an adult to know what it would be like to BE thin. 

I know I have a million changes ahead of me and by starting now I am assuring myself that I AM prepared to make those changes.  I will miss cheesecake and chinese food, I won't be able to indulge in those as much as I have in the past.  I can do without the sodas and even some of the starches ( I still get bummed at the thought of not having rice or potatoes).  And I don't even mind giving up my carne asada burrito, I want to be healthy again, errr as healthy as I can be anyway.  I know my seizures won't stop, they don't have anything to do with my weight.

More than anything, I am looking forward to all the opportunities that will open up to me after this.  I want to be an anthropologist and work in the field but until now I was afraid that wouldn't happen.  Now I see that it is very possible.  I want to get married and have kids and although I don't doubt it could happen right now, I feel the physical changes I am going to under go will only further strengthen my emotional wellbeing and prepare me for those blessings. I have denied myself the blessings of Sunday services and the temple because of low self esteem and poor self image.  Selfish I know but very true.  I know in my heart that the Lord will forgive me, I just have to let myself be forgiven and accept the blessings that will come from all of this. 

I know my Redeemer lives.  I know that I am a daughter of our Heavenly Father whom I love with all my heart and soul.  I know that I will be given the eternal blessings that He has in store for me when He feels I am ready for them.  The gifts that I have been given are immeasurable and sacred.  I pray everyday that I will be stronger, happy, healthy, and above all, humble and patient enough to hear the voice that will guide me through my life.  I am grateful for everything I have.

A lazy day is what I deserved and so I allowed myself to indulge in sleep and buffalo wings.  The extent to which I vegetated included cookies and cream and Tim Burton movies.  The most extreme action I took part in today was keeping the outdoor kittens from following grandma down the driveway.  A long week of headaches, matricualtion, little girls, and physical therapy, concluded with an honors paper about a French revolutionist, further fueled my desire to do NOTHING!  And so, Saturday was my lazy day and starting tomorrow I will be alert and aware of the things that I ought to be doing before the morning of the Monday that follows. 
As for now, I giggle and admire my kittens and their spunk.  Their tenacious and excuberant nature that permits them to do almost anything.  I envy their never ending energy and their tiresome antics. And I love them for their eternal unconditional love they give to me.